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The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/4/2008 2:29:04 AM
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Marcus.
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This is a long article but thought provoking. I'm curious what others think about this , both singles and marrieds. For the marrieds, do you see any truth to what Miss Gottlieb has to say? by Lori Gottlieb Marry Him! About six months after my son was born, he and I were sitting on a blanket at the park with a close friend and her daughter. It was a sunny summer weekend, and other parents and their kids picnicked nearby—mothers munching berries and lounging on the grass, fathers tossing balls with their giddy toddlers. My friend and I, who, in fits of self-empowerment, had conceived our babies with donor sperm because we hadn’t met Mr. Right yet, surveyed the idyllic scene. “Ah, this is the dream,” I said, and we nodded in silence for a minute, then burst out laughing. In some ways, I meant it: we’d both dreamed of motherhood, and here we were, picnicking in the park with our children. But it was also decidedly not the dream. The dream, like that of our mothers and their mothers from time immemorial, was to fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. Of course, we’d be loath to admit it in this day and age, but ask any soul-baring 40-year-old single heterosexual woman what she most longs for in life, and she probably won’t tell you it’s a better career or a smaller waistline or a bigger apartment. Most likely, she’ll say that what she really wants is a husband (and, by extension, a child). Story Continues
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/4/2008 6:47:56 AM
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csl7037
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Interesting article (but I'm going to be late if I read it all right now). I loved when she said "as your priorities change from romance to family, the so-called 'deal breakers' change." So true. I had two roommates in college - beautiful Christian women. We all left college still single (much to our mothers' dismay actually) and went to grad school. One of them actually started dating her future dh when we were finishing college and as soon as she got her MBA, they got married. He was still working through college so there she was supporting him...the other friend told me one day she would "never settle for someone still in college". I was kinda taken aback, knowing she was thinking of supporting a dh still in school like our other friend (who's dh she'd never really liked but I always wondered if it was about jealousy). I was taken aback because, at the time, I was dating my now dh - who was still doing his undergrad after a stint in the army. She was dating nobody. After I got married, she went through a regretful relationship with an unsaved guy (not even in college - go figure). Well friend #1 got divorced after not too long - he really wasn't such a good guy at all. I married the one that probably, on paper, didn't make much sense (and let me just say it's been 12 years and he's still infinitely better looking than my friends' now dh's - maybe I shouldn't say that). Anyway, eventually, just a few years ago, friend #1 remarried an older guy with a couple of kids from his first marriage....then I get "I'd never marry someone divorced - especially not someone with kids". Well, friend #2 is now finally married to a really nice guy....funny story. The first time they went out for lunch, before the date, I told her I really liked the sound of this guy and had a really good feeling!! I asked about the date afterward and she said she didn't like him. Whatever. But about a year later they started dating for real and she married him a couple years ago. They just had a baby girl and she's so happy. Did I mention he's got a grown daughter from his first marriage who's driving them crazy? IMO, sometimes it's not about settling, but about getting over yourself!
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/4/2008 11:13:48 AM
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Marcus.
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One of the thoughts that kept reoccurring to me was unrealistic expectations and preconceived ideas. Just as we have preconceived ideas about life, school, and work; we have similar expectations of our relationships that are unrealistic. All these rules we make up about the person we want to marry often aren't realistic. We try to force others into the mold we have in our minds. We may meet and get to know several people who would make a very good spouse but we nix the idea because of our preconceptions, many which aren't realistic, and pass up a person who would be a good spouse.
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/4/2008 12:28:43 PM
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shadowspring
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Yeah, I agree Marcus. If settling means giving up your unrealistic expectations of the perfect man, the one who makes you knees weak with every glance, always looks and smells immaculately groomed, understands all your weaknesses and accepts them or even more fantastically, adores them and always behaves in a manner that makes you proud to be associated with him at all times (ROFLOL!) then settling is clearly the way to go! Let's face it, the candidate pool for potential mates is full of humans- humans with annoying habits, body odor, character flaws and mostly average "looks". If that's not the kind of person you expect to marry, you will probably not get married.
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"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/4/2008 12:41:20 PM
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jaimestarcross
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I actually thought the item was thought-provoking --- but to be honest I just don't see myself encouraging someone to just settle for whatever person who's willing to marry them! I do know people who've settled for less and all of them have regretted it and if they haven't cheated on several occasions they've sure voiced their thoughts about doing so! There's also the ones who've divorced and went on a marrying-spree ... one friend of mine has been married 5 times (to a different man each time)before age 35 - several of those marriages ended the first year, one marriage ended in about 3 months time! I also found that several of my friends do have unrealistic expectations about the type of person they want to marry --- he or she is so perfect according to their description, it's little wonder they are on an endless pursuit to find this so-called "soul mate". Over time I've done some match-making for several of my female and male friends... the same complaint I hear back from them after the first date is: I don't know why you'd pick that person for me, we just didn't click! So, I ask what is this "clicking" about? You know the person who just fits me to a "T" - my soul-mate! Then after I keep pressing them about what's so special about this soul-mate - more times than not, my friends will admit that this man or woman is successful, has money, really good looking, has dreamy eyes, this person will make their heart soar or sing! then they will add, we will just "hit it off right away!" I should also add that many of my single friends are Christians... and if the person they are seeking really has to have those type of "features" I'm really not surprised by them still being single!
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/4/2008 12:51:29 PM
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Marcus.
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I didn't see her talking about settling for just anyone but settling for a good fit that maybe isn't your ideal.
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/4/2008 1:06:07 PM
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csl7037
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross I actually thought the item was thought-provoking --- but to be honest I just don't see myself encouraging someone to just settle for whatever person who's willing to marry them! I do think she went too far into implying "take what comes along" but I thought it was a big tongue in cheek. I think, like Marcus said, she was saying to be more realistic - not about what kind of person you "can attract" as much as what kind of person is really going to be a good spouse - thinking big picture and long term....what do "dreamy eyes" have to do with being a good friend, lover, partner, co-parent, provider, confidante, etc? Jamesstarcross' list above of what friends say they want is stuff that wont do you a lick of good when life hits the fan - and it does.
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/4/2008 1:18:39 PM
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benelchi
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This article was discussed here ages ago. Here is some of my thoughts repeated from that thread. Although there were some points in this article that came a little bit close to Christian values, I stand strongly in agreement that on the whole the article was rubbish. Here is a conclusion the author of this article made: "They, like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone, because they, like me, realize that marriage ultimately isn’t about cosmic connection — it’s about how having a teammate, even if he’s not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all." To me, that is clearly "settling" for something far less than God desires for us. Marriage is not simple about not being alone, but about choosing to love and serve our spouse. Those who marry someone who is not the love of their life simply to avoid being alone are acting selfishly; they are looking out only for their own interests, and not for the interests of the person they are marrying. A marriage the reflects Godly standards is one that put the needs of our spouse above our own desires; making the choice to make sure that our spouse is always the love of our life, even at the times where that is difficult to do.
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/4/2008 1:37:06 PM
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deermousie
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quote:
ORIGINAL: shadowspringLet's face it, the candidate pool for potential mates is full of humans- humans with annoying habits, body odor, character flaws and mostly average "looks". If that's not the kind of person you expect to marry, you will probably not get married. So true, Shadowspring! We marry ordinary sinners; there is no other kind. A word picture that really helps me is that marriage is like a rock tumbler, and the rocks going around and around inside it are polishing each other. The hard points get smoothed down and the soft spots are polished away. What's left is the glassy surface that shows the beauty of each rocks' structure and color, a gift from its Creator. We don't know what our hard points or soft areas are (or maybe we're pretending we don't or are excusing it), but God does, and He sees each of us as we are. So really He's the only one who knows what we need, and it's good for us to lean heavily on Him for the choice. And even heavierly on Him during the tumble (if heavierly is even a word ). Trust the choice of mate to Him who knows us thoroughly and will give us what we need. Although I had a friend, an older single gal, who would dramatically sigh, "Is he breathing?" A former pastor used to say he'd never seen a married couple that didn't deserve each other. Maybe that's just another way of saying the same thing.
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/4/2008 2:01:36 PM
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benelchi
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie quote:
ORIGINAL: shadowspringLet's face it, the candidate pool for potential mates is full of humans- humans with annoying habits, body odor, character flaws and mostly average "looks". If that's not the kind of person you expect to marry, you will probably not get married. So true, Shadowspring! We marry ordinary sinners; there is no other kind. A word picture that really helps me is that marriage is like a rock tumbler, and the rocks going around and around inside it are polishing each other. The hard points get smoothed down and the soft spots are polished away. What's left is the glassy surface that shows the beauty of each rocks' structure and color, a gift from its Creator. We don't know what our hard points or soft areas are (or maybe we're pretending we don't or are excusing it), but God does, and He sees each of us as we are. So really He's the only one who knows what we need, and it's good for us to lean heavily on Him for the choice. And even heavierly on Him during the tumble (if heavierly is even a word ). Trust the choice of mate to Him who knows us thoroughly and will give us what we need. Although I had a friend, an older single gal, who would dramatically sigh, "Is he breathing?" A former pastor used to say he'd never seen a married couple that didn't deserve each other. Maybe that's just another way of saying the same thing. Dearmouse and Shadowspring, I think you picked up the "hint" of truth that was present in this article, but missed the big lie. There really is an aspect to "settling" that is biblical. Since no one other than Jesus is perfect, every choice requires us to "settle" for some imperfections. The question really is about which aspects we have decided are nonnegotiable, and which are ones for which we have decided that there is room for compromise. A biblical perspective will see as nonnegotiable those aspects of character that reflect the values God has given in his word. However, too often in Christian circles, "settling" means compromising Godly standards often to gain a spouse that offers things that have no eternal value i.e. physical beauty, money, status, etc... When "settling" means compromising in areas that God's word tell us are nonnegotiable, then doing so is in itself sinful.
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/4/2008 3:18:18 PM
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buckifn
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I settled- and am more than happy I did...cuz there is just no other person on earth would would possibly ever be more right for me than the one I married. Thank God He is a lot smarter than we are. Maybe it's not settling, but maturing that makes a difference?
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/4/2008 3:24:28 PM
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benelchi
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn I settled- and am more than happy I did...cuz there is just no other person on earth would would possibly ever be more right for me than the one I married. Thank God He is a lot smarter than we are. Maybe it's not settling, but maturing that makes a difference? If by "settling" you mean relinquishing your desires for the "perfect" mate then I think what you did is what God compels us to do, but if by "settling" you mean that you compromised on the standards to which God calls us then I think it is only by God's grace that you are happy; I don't think that would every be God's desire for anyone. I think a lot is wrapped up in how you define "settling", and I believe the definition offered in the article being discussed in this post as very far from what God desires from us.
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/4/2008 3:25:46 PM
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deermousie
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quote:
ORIGINAL: benelchi I think you picked up the "hint" of truth that was present in this article, but missed the big lie. There really is an aspect to "settling" that is biblical. Since no one other than Jesus is perfect, every choice requires us to "settle" for some imperfections. The question really is about which aspects we have decided are nonnegotiable, and which are ones for which we have decided that there is room for compromise. A biblical perspective will see as nonnegotiable those aspects of character that reflect the values God has given in his word. However, too often in Christian circles, "settling" means compromising Godly standards often to gain a spouse that offers things that have no eternal value i.e. physical beauty, money, status, etc... When "settling" means compromising in areas that God's word tell us are nonnegotiable, then doing so is in itself sinful. Ooh, excellent point, Benelchi! No compromise in godly standards!
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/4/2008 3:34:37 PM
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buckifn
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the first time I married it was the standards of an immature person seeking his own interest..the second time it was God guiding and directing me everyday of my life that made it natural for it to be Him leading our marriage as well. I truly cannot imagine having a successful marriage today if God was not the one leading the way in the hearts of each indiv. and in the marriage. I guess I was making light of the word "settling" and it never occurred to me someone would associate that word with compromising God's standards. I believe anything, including marriage, without Christ as the foundation is destined to fail. Marriage is not only a physical union but a spiritual union as well.
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/5/2008 12:32:56 PM
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still4gvn
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I don't think most of the marriages in the Bible were made on the bases of romantic love. When I ask girls and women what they are looking for the answers tend to be in the "cute" category. Sometimes, "athletic", "a good job" and "fun" come up. No wonder half the country gets divorced. I'd rather marry a guy who was plug ugly and worked hard at a low-paying job, but was godly and honest. That's not settling, it's having priorities. (Actually, dh is cute - but it's not why I married him. and he did have a low-paying job back then)
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/5/2008 12:33:38 PM
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shadowspring
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I concur. I would never have considered "settling" for anyone who did not love the Lord. It did not even enter my mind.
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"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/5/2008 9:45:36 PM
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deermousie
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I just read the whole article, and her point about having a companion in the trenches of life was a good one, but she still missed the bigger picture: God is working in our lives and uses others to pound us out over His anvil. The problems send us (hopefully) running back to God, but how other people respond, especially Christian mates, makes a big difference in the types of problems we have to face and the encouragement we might get. I'd rather deal with a Christian husband with a spending problem than a non-Christian wifebeating druggie. Of course, the writer wasn't a Christian so she's unaware of this dynamic. When I was single, I was determined not to repeat my own parents' abusive relationship, so that colors my attitude a lot. My first choice was to be happily married, second choice was to be happily single, and no-way choice was to be unhappily married. When I hit 35 and was still single, I figured I wasn't getting any prettier (pffft) and went and got a professional degree so I could support myself for life. That's when I met Mr. Right. So I guess the critical point is, where do you want to be at 45? Married as in a business relationship (hey, an arranged married isn't much different), living in sin, or single? Marriage demands a lifetime of self-sacrifice and hard work. Would you be willing to sacrifice everything to be married to Mr. Plain Vanilla? Another question is, would it be sin to grab some guy who wasn't God's will for you? Maybe God wants you single (unlikely if you are panting to be married) or He has a great guy (or gal, if you're a guy) for you but not until next year or something. God doesn't do mediocre. So it would be a question of what is God's will for your life?
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/6/2008 1:55:05 AM
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jaimestarcross
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quote:
I didn't see her talking about settling for just anyone but settling for a good fit that maybe isn't your ideal. {My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics.} That part of the article sure seemed to me that she was implying it... whether he has bad breath or lacks personal hygiene just "overlook" it ... lol! No thanks! *I smelled enough stinking people when I worked in the medical office/field - it's amazing how many times a doctor will have to send a patient/patients home(to bathe) because they didn't bathe before coming in for a check up - and their body odor lingers in the office long after they have left
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/6/2008 2:27:12 AM
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Marcus.
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Same thing in airplanes. Nothing worse than bad odors in the cabin.
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/9/2008 12:47:44 PM
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shadowspring
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Well, even though she is presumably not a Christian and does not write the column from a Christian perspective, she does hit a very important truth head-on: We were made for fellowship. We all crave human connection. We were not intended to "go it alone". And also she hits on this truth: All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. There is none righteous, no not one. I did not interpret her writing as encouraging anyone to give up or compromise on any core beliefs that might be important to them, but rather to be willing to accept the flaws we find in each other in order to enter in to human fellowship with one another. As a fellow cross-walker once posted, her beloved was lacking in the area of presentation, but taste in clothing is an acquired thing. She had to decide to look beyond the wardrobe to the man within. If she had been picky, presumably she would still be alone, as (possibly) would her dh.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/9/2008 12:56:47 PM
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benelchi
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quote:
ORIGINAL: shadowspring Well, even though she is presumably not a Christian and does not write the column from a Christian perspective, she does hit a very important truth head-on: We were made for fellowship. We all crave human connection. We were not intended to "go it alone". And also she hits on this truth: All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. There is none righteous, no not one. I did not interpret her writing as encouraging anyone to give up or compromise on any core beliefs that might be important to them, but rahter to be willing to accept the flaws we find in each other in order to enter in to human fellowship with one another. I would agree that she touches on some very important points, points that I believe too many Christians miss. But, overall I think her perspective is still just about as far away from a biblical perspective as any other worldly viewpoint; it just misses in an entirely different direction, but it still misses the target. The biggest problem with her perspective is that it still represents a very selfish perspective i.e. "what is best for me" rather than the biblical perspective that calls us to look first to the needs of our spouse and to consider their needs as more important than our own.
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/11/2008 2:15:15 PM
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jaimestarcross
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Something else we shouldn't forget is... there are people who are called to be single for the Lord. They make many friendships but they never marry as they are married to the Lord. My church has a few missionaries who are happy singles(never married) in love with God and doing His service!
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/11/2008 2:18:09 PM
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benelchi
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross Something else we shouldn't forget is... there are people who are called to be single for the Lord. They make many friendships but they never marry as they are married to the Lord. My church has a few missionaries who are happy singles(never married) in love with God and doing His service! Great point!
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/11/2008 8:23:12 PM
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creationtalk
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quote:
So I guess the critical point is, where do you want to be at 45? Married as in a business relationship (hey, an arranged married isn't much different), living in sin, or single? I'm 45. Where I WANT to be is in a growing vital relationship with a Godly man. Where I am is a single mom working two jobs to provide for my child. However, I'm not going to settle (if that's an option...you have to have someone with whom to "settle" and at this point there really isn't anyone). One big reason was pointed out in the article: quote:
, now I have my son to consider. It’s one thing to settle for a subpar mate; it’s quite another to settle for a subpar father figure for my child. So while there’s more incentive to settle now, there’s less willingness to settle too much, because that would be a disservice to my son I want my son to see his mother in a GOOD marriage so that he has a basis for what makes a good marriage. I want him to see a husband and wife working together to overcome differences and problems. I can't give him that if I settle. However, God has clearly shown me that HE can provide my son with what he needs and I don't have to do anything more than be the best mama I can be. My son's babysitter (and very good friend) and her husband are demonstrating a good marriage for my son. They love my son and have included them into their family. AND the father has also helped my relationship with my son because he won't let my son be disrespectful to me.
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RE: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough - 12/12/2008 12:34:37 AM
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MissInnocent
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross I actually thought the item was thought-provoking --- but to be honest I just don't see myself encouraging someone to just settle for whatever person who's willing to marry them! I do know people who've settled for less and all of them have regretted it and if they haven't cheated on several occasions they've sure voiced their thoughts about doing so! There's also the ones who've divorced and went on a marrying-spree ... one friend of mine has been married 5 times (to a different man each time)before age 35 - several of those marriages ended the first year, one marriage ended in about 3 months time! I also found that several of my friends do have unrealistic expectations about the type of person they want to marry --- he or she is so perfect according to their description, it's little wonder they are on an endless pursuit to find this so-called "soul mate". Over time I've done some match-making for several of my female and male friends... the same complaint I hear back from them after the first date is: I don't know why you'd pick that person for me, we just didn't click! So, I ask what is this "clicking" about? You know the person who just fits me to a "T" - my soul-mate! Then after I keep pressing them about what's so special about this soul-mate - more times than not, my friends will admit that this man or woman is successful, has money, really good looking, has dreamy eyes, this person will make their heart soar or sing! then they will add, we will just "hit it off right away!" I should also add that many of my single friends are Christians... and if the person they are seeking really has to have those type of "features" I'm really not surprised by them still being single! I believe in soul mates but I don't believe in perfection. I don't think I settled for a good fit if I don't think they are the best fit. I trust God will show me the one if he has someone for me. If anything the one blind date I went on taught me to stick to my guns and not settle.
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