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Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 10/21/2008 11:34:30 PM
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willfs
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Help. I think about woman all day and would love to be married. But I just can't find someone who I am attracted to. Please don't tell me I just need to be less picky unless you tell me how. I can't just stand in a mirror and say a magic word and make myself like something I don't like.
There is always something about her, even something small, that totally drains all my energy when it comes to pursueing her. Furthermore, I lose energy when I think about all the junk that one must put up with in a relationship. It has always been this way. I had a huge crush on a girl in highschool. I loved fantasizing about dating her and would love it when she was nearby. When she started showing interest in me in highschool and college I just didn't go after her. I don't really know why but I do remember riding in her car and she had really wierd glasses she had to wear and her car smelled real funny.
I was exposed to, and into porn, even as a young child. But it seems like my problem is very unique and I know I am not the only guy who has ever struggled with porn. I am also very insecure. Like really insecure. I saw a movie (shallow hal) where one of the guys was real picky and it was because he was insecure about his own inadequacies.
I have been told by quite a few people I am attractive and I get asked out sometimes by woman. I am dirt poor however and have some health problems that have kept me from building much of a career.
I am in couseling but I have been in couseling for years and this hasn't changed. Now I am thirty three and watching the singles scene shrink while the woman I have crushes on becomes nill. Any suggestions?
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RE: Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 10/22/2008 7:37:54 AM
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Konstantinos
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From: Greece Thessaloniki
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i say get self confident first. if you arent comfortable with your own self and like yourself, you wont be happy even if you find a great girl.
not only that, if you are insecure, its highly likely that you simply arent yourself around other people. so even if you spend a year or two with a girl as friends 8 hours a day, if you are not being yourself, you'll never feel close to her. instead you'll feel she is close to a fake you.
once you do the above im sure if you spend time with girls as friends and feel comfortable with them you wont care about little things. and you'll get to know them in the meanwhile. if you like one of them and find her attractive then there you go.
_____________________________
i can pick you up off the floor and put you over my head
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RE: Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 10/22/2008 1:43:24 PM
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APZR
Posts: 962
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: GA
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I'm not saying to settle for less, but no one is perfect. You've got to learn to love yourself, imperfections and all, before you can love someone else, imperfections and all. If your current counseling isn't working, find someone else. Get your counselor and doctors to have a pow-wow to build a specific treatment plan. They need to be in close communication with each other to find out what works, and what doesn't. Meds and mind need to be prescribed and treated in concert.
< Message edited by APZR -- 10/22/2008 4:02:33 PM >
_____________________________
Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
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RE: Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 10/22/2008 4:16:35 PM
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SamsonUSA
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Brother willfs it sounds like to me that you may be using " too picky " as a reason to not get close due to fear of possible rejection. I would encourage you to ask God to bring a mate into your life by revealing His will for your life. I'm confident you will find that God is not limited in bringing a mate in any of our lives because we are dirt poor or suffer from any physical ailments.
_____________________________
Knowledge humbles great men, astonishes the common man, and puffs up the little man
Chubby babies rock!
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RE: Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 10/22/2008 8:16:49 PM
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Jhud
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From: Lake Wobegon
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Why are you dirt poor?
_____________________________
Jack
I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
- C.S. Lewis
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RE: Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 10/23/2008 8:28:09 PM
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willfs
Posts: 350
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Well, its kinda personal. I am a hard worker. I made good grades in school and college. I can only say that it relates to some health problems.
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RE: Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 10/24/2008 3:02:54 PM
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terryjohn
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So beggers can be choosers? We all should be grateful that anyone loves us. Nevertheless, you could also say that true love would actually want the one we loved to marry someone better than ourselves.
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RE: Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 10/27/2008 4:50:40 PM
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OneJohn410
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Hi Willfs,
This seeing yourself in a mirror comment, are you saying you don't like yourself? Or are you talking about liking a woman you don't have feelings to like? You lost me there.
This draining of all your energy comment, and junk to put up with... I don't know. Too much reading about others challenges in their relationships? You've got a lot of smarts about something like you've mastered it and then been away from it 15 years, yet you say no, that's not the case. So what validates all the smarts? How do you know your energy will be zapped and that there'll be a lot of junk to put up with?
quote:
Now I am thirty three and watching the singles scene shrink while the woman I have crushes on becomes nill. Time to talk to her, my friend. Talk to her soon.
Maybe try this. Unlearn what you have learned about women. Safely burn what magazines and such you struggle with. All of it. Get in some soul searching prayer with God and pray about things. Put yourself in some settings where you can be undistracted and listen for Him to reply some. Set up some timetable of by when you'd like to be feeling such and so, and be walking all over these feelings that bring you down now.
I think it goes "Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration." Work this, brother.
_____________________________
For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. -Romans 15:4 (NIV)
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RE: Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 10/27/2008 9:10:07 PM
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colliefan
Posts: 2996
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Raleigh, NC
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quote:
I am in couseling but I have been in couseling for years and this hasn't changed. Now I am thirty three and watching the singles scene shrink while the woman I have crushes on becomes nill. Any suggestions?
Sorry if this seams cruel, but it doesn't seem that your counseling has touched the issues you face. And a crush is not the foundation on which one builds a friendship. (been there, done that, and have far too many t-shirts to prove this fact.)
The real issue is if you are content in your own skin? Are you content with your "health issues?" Are these issues something that is treatable? Or, are they, like mine, genetic?
What are the passions in your life? (For me, it is prison ministry and "Canes hockey) I know my tendancy is to want to be a rescuer and this has led to bad relationships as only God is fit for this task.
The real question is what do you have to offer in a relationship? A sense of humor? An enjoyment of life?
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RE: Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 10/29/2008 7:49:50 AM
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willfs
Posts: 350
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneJohn410
Hi Willfs,
This seeing yourself in a mirror comment, are you saying you don't like yourself?
No, when I said that it seems impossible to find a woman who I like enough to ask out, yet I think of woman all day, I was expecting someone to just say, "Don't be so picky." If anyone was to say that I wanted them to tell me how because I can't just say a magic word and make myself like something I don't like.
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RE: Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 11/3/2008 12:19:29 AM
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SamsonUSA
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As the saying " be careful what you wish for " goes brother Willfs it hurts just as much to date quite a bit without having someone special. Some of the loneliest people I know have many opportunities to date and are just as lonely as you are.
_____________________________
Knowledge humbles great men, astonishes the common man, and puffs up the little man
Chubby babies rock!
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RE: Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 11/3/2008 1:02:12 AM
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OneJohn410
Posts: 1512
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quote:
ORIGINAL: willfs
quote:
ORIGINAL: OneJohn410
Hi Willfs,
This seeing yourself in a mirror comment, are you saying you don't like yourself?
No, when I said that it seems impossible to find a woman who I like enough to ask out, yet I think of woman all day, I was expecting someone to just say, "Don't be so picky." If anyone was to say that I wanted them to tell me how because I can't just say a magic word and make myself like something I don't like.
Ok, you need to change your surroundings some, because you are around the same people every day, and you continue to not like any women you know enough to want to date them. Is this the first challenge?
_____________________________
For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. -Romans 15:4 (NIV)
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RE: Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 11/7/2008 6:52:24 PM
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jn1010lf
Posts: 350
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: online
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Hello willfs
You, and maybe some even on this forum, may think my response to your question is fanatical. But you need a good dose of Jesus Christ and be filled with the Spirit of God. This world has molded you in contaminated ways, far different than your Creator intended.
I would recommend that you start serious Bible study on your own. Start with Matthew and go through John until you know the Lord is doing something on the inside of you.
Are you serious about wanting help? Look to the one who is God of the impossible.
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RE: Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 11/8/2008 11:56:48 PM
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willfs
Posts: 350
Joined: 12/28/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SamsonUSA
As the saying " be careful what you wish for " goes brother Willfs it hurts just as much to date quite a bit without having someone special. Some of the loneliest people I know have many opportunities to date and are just as lonely as you are.
I've got to say that many posts read way too much into what I have said. I do appreciate all of the advice and the intentions to help. However, I do not date around... I don't find any woman who I want to go beyond friendship with although I find plenty who want to do likewise. It can drive me crazy at times. I wonder if I am too picky (because of the fact that I was into porn at such an early age) or too much of a mamma's boy or just living in a town with two military bases makes the single gal population kinda thin.
quote:
ORIGINAL: jn1010lf
Hello willfs
You, and maybe some even on this forum, may think my response to your question is fanatical. But you need a good dose of Jesus Christ and be filled with the Spirit of God. This world has molded you in contaminated ways, far different than your Creator intended.
I would recommend that you start serious Bible study on your own. Start with Matthew and go through John until you know the Lord is doing something on the inside of you.
Are you serious about wanting help? Look to the one who is God of the impossible.
This is not a fanatical idea. But it does constitute a sunday school answer: "If you have a problem then you obviously aren't seeking God enough." You may be right that my prob comes from too worldy thinking. I am now and have been involved in serious bible study with the books you reccomend as well as the rest of the 66 books; with the intention of knowing and loving the Person who wrote those books better.
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RE: Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 11/9/2008 9:46:08 AM
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MWD
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From: New Hampshire
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You are "too picky" and you don't pursue because that's your way of "pre-rejecting" women. It is a defense mechanism against the probability, as you see it, that they would otherwise eventually reject you. Pre-rejection gives you, temporarily, a more-elevated sense of self-worth than you otherwise would have, and it lets you live with yourself more easily; but this is a lie in the longer term, and deep down, your spirit knows it, and feels it as a constant, dull ache.
The exposure to porn (with the associated desirable male and female physical traits) provides a standard that neither you nor the majority of women in real life can meet, and this expands your pre-rejection mechanism, in a darkly-holistic sense, to include not only women but also yourself. It is a convenient ally that your self-image glommed onto long ago and has been using for one of its foundation pillars. In the end, you reject women because neither you nor they meet an acceptable standard.
Note your phrase "women I have crushes on." What do crushes have to do with anything when it comes to a solid man/woman relationship? Not much, in my view. Maybe "the crush" is the enabler for pre-rejection. The bigger the chemistry, the bigger the temporary pre-rejection "fix." Also, crushes are physical/carnal, so they line up with the prior exposure to porn, i.e. they work together to drag you toward yet another undesirable outcome.
I take an exceedingly dim view of counseling in general. Too much "talking the problem" [1]. Maybe I'm wrong here and yours has been different -- focusing on real solutions rather than on the current situation. But if so, then why's this taking so long?
Standard disclaimer: "What the heck do I know."
[1] Yes, I know I'm way out on the periphery on this point.
_____________________________
"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist."
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RE: Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 11/9/2008 7:51:54 PM
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willfs
Posts: 350
Joined: 12/28/2007
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Okay, these are responses to the past couple posts.
Jon1010
You actually may be right. I may need to learn to love and trust God more, especially if I am too worldy minded. I just was wanting more specific advice than: become a better Christian.
MDW
I think you are right in a lot of ways about the whole rejection/self esteem/respect issue.
I don't think you could always call crushes "carnal" could you? I mean you gotta kinda like a person and although first impressions arn't always acurrate, many times they can mean something.
Counseling: Yes, just talk and no solutions is probably not good, although I can see it being difficult for some to get over years of abuse.
In any case, I really believe the Lord has been teaching more and more about trusting Him (it's strange: did you know God can actually work in someone's life and transform them? Who woulda thought?)
I saw a girl tonight that I thought was really great looking but I didn't give her the usual attention I normaly would because I just don't see it as worth it anymore. She's only a girl and not some God who I must automatically assume holds the Life I am looking for. I have a feeling that even when I find someone right for me she will still just be human and not the Godlike creature of my dreams. Lord willing, if I do find someone, she will add more to my life than I could ever imagine but she will be just like me: human flesh and blood. My high expectations of myself and others, including woman, are probably what fuel this problem. I don't think anyone could have told me to just stop being so picky. I think it kinda had to be something that God does.
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RE: Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 11/25/2008 9:36:26 AM
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e.barrett
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Willfs - I can somewhat relate to what you're experiencing. I've found that I've dated a few girls, and then broken up with them, for some very Seinfeld-like reasons. Looking back I realize what my problem was (and in some ways still is) relates a lot to 2 issues:
1. Pride
2. Control
While I know I'm not perfect, in a relationship setting I had a strong desire to "always be right". So I would look for things to prove my "rightness". Obviously this is a bad strategy if you want to date / marry someone!  The more I explored those ideas, the more I realized it was also about my need to be in control. I wanted things my way (thus reinforcing my pride).
What broke me of these habits was learning to trust God. To let him have control, and to realize that my self-esteem didn't rest upon being right all the time. Instead, my self-worth comes from the value God places on me (which is infinitely great).
If you're looking for more specifics I'm not sure there are any. These are issues we all need to wrestle with, and come to on our own. But let me give you somewhere to start (for all I know you may be doing all 3!)
1. Read the Bible daily
2. Find a group of people you can be open with, who will support you as you learn to live out a life of faith
3. Find a good church where you feel that you belong
Those 3 activities will help ground you in God, which will, in turn, help allow you to overcome the feelings you are having.
Best of luck!
_____________________________
R3 - a blog devoted to understanding how to live out a life of faith
Visit it at www.r3blog.net
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RE: Too picky to ever find a woman I like. - 12/3/2008 3:32:26 PM
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evryknee
Posts: 297
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quote:
Willfs - I can somewhat relate to what you're experiencing. I've found that I've dated a few girls, and then broken up with them, for some very Seinfeld-like reasons. Looking back I realize what my problem was (and in some ways still is) relates a lot to 2 issues:
1. Pride
2. Control
That could be very right. The issue, perhaps, has a lot to do with fear (thus the control). Fear of rejection/abandonment. Reject them B4 they reject me. If they knew me, really knew me, and all my sins, they would reject me. So, there is the desire for relationship, and the fears of having one.
That relationship with Christ, being fully known and fully loved is the basis of worth. This is the first goal...To understand His love and who you are in relation to him. Rejection by man is secondary to Adoption by Christ.
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