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Uneducated Bad Parents - 12/1/2008 6:20:07 PM
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solomonsprayer
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We proably all know parents who are uneducated and not good with parenting. If you see someone like that, would you try to intervene with how they are raisin their child? How/what would you say to them?
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RE: Uneducated Bad Parents - 12/1/2008 7:13:34 PM
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BeeLuvsAva
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I don't think I would intervene unless they were abusive parents, it's not my place to judge anyone.
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We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
-David Weatherford
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RE: Uneducated Bad Parents - 12/1/2008 7:35:24 PM
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lexie
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My husband has some siblings who do not make good decisions when it comes to raising their children. We've always kept quiet and instead decided to try to spend as much time as we can with the kids and show them a proper, positive family situation.
But one day finally it became too much and my husband lost it at one of his sisters for calling her son a bad word. Her reply was "oh he doesn't mind, do you?" to which the son replied "actually I do." It was a wakeup call for her, but at the same time we don't believe it will make a permanent change.
There are other situations were I might step in. My neighbourhood is made up of mostly new immigrants and there are a lot of cultural differences in raising children. Some things are just different, some things aren't permitted (or proper) in Canadian culture. At our playgroup there are a lot of efforts to reach out to those mothers and teach them because it's often not a case of bad parenting, but just not being educated. And they are pretty much always appreciative of what we have taught them.
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RE: Uneducated Bad Parents - 12/1/2008 8:29:20 PM
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pbaribeault
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quote:
I don't think I would intervene unless they were abusive parents Me too, unless by 'intervene' you mean to offer help, initiate discussion, or give occasional mild advice or insight. Those things I might do, if I got the sense that they were not unwelcome.
I also think we need to know the difference between 'educated' and 'indoctrinated' -- many of the things we genuinely believe about 'good parenting' are pretty random and/or arbitrary. (Not that they are bad, just that other things aren't as bad as they are painted.)
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RE: Uneducated Bad Parents - 12/1/2008 9:42:07 PM
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buckifn
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I pretty much get paid to do that so it may not be fair for me to answer...but outside of work I would intervene if I felt that would be the wise thing to do....and all circumstances are not the same so I would ask for Godly wisdom first...one of the easiest things is offer information about educational resources...and leave the door open for contact if they want more information or help.
My experiences have taught me that not everyone who does things that are damaging to kids do it out of a desire to hurt them, but for many reasons, 1 major one being a lack of education. There will always be some who are angered or offended when help is offered, but there are also other's who are grateful for the help because they knew they needed it even though they were too ashamed to ask.
Some parent's are so caught in cycles of desperation that they are not even aware of social services/resources that already exist to help them....
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RE: Uneducated Bad Parents - 12/1/2008 10:36:53 PM
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Sideways
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
quote:
I don't think I would intervene unless they were abusive parents Me too, unless by 'intervene' you mean to offer help, initiate discussion, or give occasional mild advice or insight. Those things I might do, if I got the sense that they were not unwelcome.
I also think we need to know the difference between 'educated' and 'indoctrinated' -- many of the things we genuinely believe about 'good parenting' are pretty random and/or arbitrary. (Not that they are bad, just that other things aren't as bad as they are painted.)
I agree with this approach. Depending on my relationship with the person, I might discuss my views and opinions, but if we're talking about calling CPS, then of course that could only be for genuine abuse (ie, not just because they were using the Cry It Out method to sleep train).
And as we've seen here at CW, there are plenty of people who would shout at the top of their lungs in support a style of parenting that others would stand at the next corner and shout against.
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RE: Uneducated Bad Parents - 12/2/2008 7:56:15 AM
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journeyman7
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I agree that intervening would be the only thing to do if their was abuse going on in the home. As far intervening when you see bad parenting, well, this will fire people up more than anything. Even if a parent is bad, most intervening will cause them to simply get angry with you, unless done in a very subtle, positive way. This is all conditioned on the relationship you have with the person and your long term presence. Intervening with a somewhat stranger or infrequent acquaintance will most likely get you nowhere. If it is a relative or someone close to you, subtle interventions may be a good idea, but you have to do it a way that is collegial and positive.
I know of someone who I would deem to be a parent who could use a large amount of pointers, but it very hard to discuss this openly. Of course, at the end of the day I have no right to judge parenting, save for the abuse clause.
_____________________________
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Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me
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RE: Uneducated Bad Parents - 12/2/2008 8:02:55 AM
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lexie
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quote:
there are plenty of people who would shout at the top of their lungs in support a style of parenting that others would stand at the next corner and shout against.
That's a good point. We were at playgroup when Akeelah was about 8 months and started fussing. I put her down on the floor with a pillow underneath her in front of where I was sitting. The woman who runs the centre came running over and said "you need to pick her up and rock her." I replied "it's ok she'll be asleep in a minute." The woman was horrified, and started to lecture me but then looked down and saw Akeelah was asleep.
It was simply a matter of different parenting styles. Maybe other children need to be held to fall asleep, but my daughter didn't like that at that age. Doesn't mean it's bad parenting.
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I want to be more than an ordinary servant.
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RE: Uneducated Bad Parents - 12/2/2008 9:06:44 AM
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buckifn
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quote:
know of someone who I would deem to be a parent who could use a large amount of pointers, but it very hard to discuss this openly. Of course, at the end of the day I have no right to judge parenting, save for the abuse clause.
one way you could handle this is find information and put it in a folder, envelope, or something and say how helpful it has been to you and you just wanted to pass it along and suggest maybe they pass it along later also.
You could also just mail something or buy a book if it is someone you know. One approach I use with my kid's is just buy parenting books on various subjects that I see they need help with and write a note in there about how much joy I had being their parent when they were that age and hoping this book helps them find new ways to enjoy being a parent as well.
The big thing imo is offer encouragement NOT criticism.
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RE: Uneducated Bad Parents - 12/2/2008 3:09:16 PM
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kohls356
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By uneducated do you mean didn't go very far in school or just haven't read the latest fad parenting expert? Just because someone doesn't follow a certain parenting style or read books by so called experts doesn't make them uneducated in raising their child.
Parenting advice and how to do things with our children changes so fast that you really can't keep up with it. There is only five years difference between my oldest and my youngest. I remember getting lectured with my first for having her on her back just for a few seconds after a feeding while I got myself situated. I was told to never put her on her back. Then five years later with my youngest I was lectured again for putting her on her tummy and how they should always be on their backs.
I know how it feels to have people offer their unsolicited advice before and I didn't like it. For one thing I didn't agree with how the person who was offering the advice was raising their own children so I certainly didn't want their advice. I have also had someone try to tell me how to raise my teenager when they were struggling with raising their three year old. I wouldn't want a book or an email or anything else sent to me without asking for it first.
I would not say anything to someone unless I really thought they were abusing or neglecting their child or I felt it was a safety concern unless someone asked me my opinion.
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RE: Uneducated Bad Parents - 12/2/2008 3:48:30 PM
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coolfamily6
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By uneducated do you mean didn't go very far in school or just haven't read the latest fad parenting expert?
So much depends on your answer to this question.
For one thing I didn't agree with how the person who was offering the advice was raising their own children so I certainly didn't want their advice. I have also had someone try to tell me how to raise my teenager when they were struggling with raising their three year old. I wouldn't want a book or an email or anything else sent to me without asking for it first.
100% Agree, nothing bothers me more than a parent of a toddler an out of control on at that telling me how to raise my teen and preteen. A recent example is running into "John" while DS was filing out paperwork for a therapist. John said Oh, I had therapy once and it is a waste of time; no one really needs it. What he didn't know was that DS threatened to kill himself at school. I just explained to DS once he left that not all people believe that therapy helps but some people just need help learning how to process stressful things that happen in their lives.
I would not say anything to someone unless I really thought they were abusing or neglecting their child
In this case I would contact CPS immediately. An abusive parent will usually deny anything is wrong.
_____________________________
If your bible is a mess; your life won't be.
~Encouragement a mom gave to our children at our First Grader's Bible Ceremony!
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RE: Uneducated Bad Parents - 12/2/2008 3:48:53 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
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Well, firstly, I would differentiate between "uneducated" and "bad parents".
If they're simply clueless (which actually has nothing to do with formal education and everything to do with how they were raised and "educated" in life by their parents), I might gently introduce some new ideas, or ask if they would like some advice from a seasoned parent, who's been there and done that. "Oh man, those tantrums are terrible aren't they? We did such-and-such, and that really helped with our kids at that age".
If they are bad parents and hurting their children, I'd skip the gentle offer of advice and find professional help for them, either CPS or the police, depending on the situation.
I don't generally offer advice to folks who are doing something I disagree with, if it's not damaging their children. I may believe that "breast is best" with my whole heart, but that doesn't give me a right to approach every mother I see giving her child a bottle and saying "You know what science says about breast vs. bottle, don't you? How could you feed your child second-rate??".  I've been the subject of too much unsolicited advice to do that to someone else. It is *not* abuse to let my baby go barefoot and hatless on a warm spring day, but I have been treated like I was the worst mother in the world for doing that. 
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RE: Uneducated Bad Parents - 12/2/2008 3:57:35 PM
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Roberta_
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I would have to look at the situation and determine if they were really bad parents or if they just make parenting mistakes from time to time.
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