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When a friend has it backwards... - 12/1/2008 9:35:10 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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From: California
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Most anyone who has ever known me will tell you I am FAR from being one of those people that is critical of other people's kids just 'cause I don't have my own. However, there is a little situation that's kind of been troubling me...
I have a friend who has 2 kids..and let me just be clear neither are abused in any way shape or form....
However, kid #1 gets away with everything, and only gets punished like the 10th time...kid #2 gets punished the first time...then also the mom is always telling me how sweet natured kid #1 is and how stubborn kid #2 is..I've had both kids in Sunday School(back when I was still teaching), and frankly, I think its completely the other way around. This person asks me to watch her kids from time to time, and I always make an excuse why I can't do it..and yet, I watch the other kids from church a lot, and I think the mom sometimes feels bad that I'll watch the other kids and not hers..so next time she wonders why I can't watch her kids should I tell her why? Or just not watch her kids? If she never asked me to watch her kids, I would just say it was none of my business, but I know she is starting to wonder why I won't watch her kids. Plus, I feel bad for kid #2. Any suggestions?
P. S. Both kids are of the same gender, so it's not a we treat boys one way and a girls another way thing. I am purposely not saying what gender they are or what ages.
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RE: When a friend has it backwards... - 12/1/2008 9:40:06 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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Help me out here - why don't you want to watch her children?
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"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: When a friend has it backwards... - 12/1/2008 9:45:38 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2940
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
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I thought I made it clear in my post...but..
in a nutshell....
because kid #1 is VERY difficult (for me) to deal with, and kid #2 is very easy for me, and yet mom insists that kid #1 is all sweet and good, and that kid #2 is stubborn, and so mom doesn't like to hear a negative report about kid #1.
P.S. Let me clear that, in all fairness, it's NOT that kid #1 is favored in any way..she just sees her kids behaviors differently than I do.
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RE: When a friend has it backwards... - 12/1/2008 9:58:11 PM
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csl7037
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Part of it might just be differences in temperament - yours and the mom's. Something you might be able to let roll right off your back might drive the mom nutso for whatever reason. The one kid might just really push mom's buttons. It's also important to keep in mind that you get them in relatively little bursts, a few hours at a time. Life 24/7 might be very different.
My dd, for instance, pushes my buttons like you wouldn't believe. She's beyond stubborn. I think God must have amazing plans for this little spitfire but I wonder some days if I'm going to survive it. My ds, on the other hand, is certainly not perfect but he's pretty much got my number. He's a mamma's boy thru and thru. My dad is completely the opposite - dd seems to be able to do no wrong and has him wrapped around her little finger - it's ridiculous! My ds is not at all rambunctious as little boys go but, for whatever reason, my dad just can't handle him at all; he's way too hard on him and it causes a lot of problems. Just an example of how personalities and dynamics between kids and even between kids and adults can vary greatly.
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RE: When a friend has it backwards... - 12/1/2008 10:08:56 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
I thought I made it clear in my post...but..
in a nutshell....
because kid #1 is VERY difficult (for me) to deal with, and kid #2 is very easy for me, and yet mom insists that kid #1 is all sweet and good, and that kid #2 is stubborn, and so mom doesn't like to hear a negative report about kid #1.
Personally, I still don't see the problem. Would you not just deal with the children in your own way while the mother was away?
Besides, it might give child #2 a break to have you look after them for a change.
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: When a friend has it backwards... - 12/2/2008 8:23:21 AM
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journeyman7
Posts: 67
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I know exactly what you are dealing with and it is such a tough situation. I have this situation where the children are relatives of about the same age as my daughter. One child of our relative is a very difficult child and the other is pretty easy going and easy to deal with. The difficult child makes it hard to watch or babysit them because of the massive amount of whining, attitude, and habits. I find it hard to watch the one and but the other is quite frankly easier. Every time I bring my daughter and the dificult child somewhere together, the event or time spent is normally ruined with whining, attitude, or other behavior which is hard to handle. My wife and I try to balance the time spent with the relatives' children, but it is hard because normally we are just totally looking forward to the drop off of the difficult child.
It is a hard and guilty feeling. We remedy the situation by realizing kids are kids and in my opinion it not the child's fault, in this case it is the parenting. So what we do is simply bear it and spend time equally. In your case this would be equivalent to watching the children. If you want to save your relationship from being strained, this may be the best way to go. Ignoring it may work, but eventually excuses will run out. You could simply say it is hard to watch the one child, but that is a real turmoil creator when such is said about a child, even if it is true.
Long story short, I would probably watch or babysit them, but in a very limited fashion if you did not want to face the situation of plainly saying no.
God Bless,
_____________________________
Mt 16:24 -
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me
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RE: When a friend has it backwards... - 12/2/2008 8:44:58 AM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 8636
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
Part of it might just be differences in temperament - yours and the mom's. Something you might be able to let roll right off your back might drive the mom nutso for whatever reason. The one kid might just really push mom's buttons. It's also important to keep in mind that you get them in relatively little bursts, a few hours at a time. Life 24/7 might be very different.
My dd, for instance, pushes my buttons like you wouldn't believe. She's beyond stubborn. I think God must have amazing plans for this little spitfire but I wonder some days if I'm going to survive it. My ds, on the other hand, is certainly not perfect but he's pretty much got my number. He's a mamma's boy thru and thru. My dad is completely the opposite - dd seems to be able to do no wrong and has him wrapped around her little finger - it's ridiculous! My ds is not at all rambunctious as little boys go but, for whatever reason, my dad just can't handle him at all; he's way too hard on him and it causes a lot of problems. Just an example of how personalities and dynamics between kids and even between kids and adults can vary greatly.
This makes perfect sense to me. I have an easier time dealing with Thing 2 because his temperment is very similar to mine, but he completely baffles and frustates my father. Thing 1 and I butt heads ALL THE TIME because he's trying to play Alpha Wolf and he keeps forgetting his place in the pack, whereas my father and Thing 1 get along GREAT. *shrug*
So my dad would say that Thing 1 is easier to deal with, when I think Thing 2 is. 
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RE: When a friend has it backwards... - 12/2/2008 10:54:47 AM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1097
Joined: 4/29/2005
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The 'stubborn' child has no reason to want to dig their heels in and oppose your authority... but with her mom that's probably a running battle that comes up in infinitesimal ways... like maybe always insisting that he/she goes through a door first. Not a noticeable 'bad behaviour' to a non-parent, but in context, a clear power-move. This can make everything the 'stubborn' child does seem directly and intentionally oppositional, not a mistake in learning to behave well.
You are probably right that the other child is getting away with too much in the face of this, by seeming to be trying to be good, but messing up... A good act to put on, when Mom's antenna are tuned so strongly for direct opposition. (I can get my way, as long as I make it seem like I wasn't doing it on purpose.)
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RE: When a friend has it backwards... - 12/3/2008 1:11:26 AM
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benelchi
Posts: 3609
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
Most anyone who has ever known me will tell you I am FAR from being one of those people that is critical of other people's kids just 'cause I don't have my own. However, there is a little situation that's kind of been troubling me...
I have a friend who has 2 kids..and let me just be clear neither are abused in any way shape or form....
However, kid #1 gets away with everything, and only gets punished like the 10th time...kid #2 gets punished the first time...then also the mom is always telling me how sweet natured kid #1 is and how stubborn kid #2 is..I've had both kids in Sunday School(back when I was still teaching), and frankly, I think its completely the other way around. This person asks me to watch her kids from time to time, and I always make an excuse why I can't do it..and yet, I watch the other kids from church a lot, and I think the mom sometimes feels bad that I'll watch the other kids and not hers..so next time she wonders why I can't watch her kids should I tell her why? Or just not watch her kids? If she never asked me to watch her kids, I would just say it was none of my business, but I know she is starting to wonder why I won't watch her kids. Plus, I feel bad for kid #2. Any suggestions?
P. S. Both kids are of the same gender, so it's not a we treat boys one way and a girls another way thing. I am purposely not saying what gender they are or what ages.
Some of the discrepancy could be just a difference in how these kids relate to their mother, and how they relate to you, and some could be the result of a blind spot the mother has. I would stop and take the time to carefully observe the kids with their mom, making sure that your own biases are not coloring what you are seeing, and then prayerfully and very very gently broach this topic if you are still concerned.
Also as another poster pointed out, watching these kids might give #2 a little bit of a break, and as you build relationships you might see things that you are now missing.
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RE: When a friend has it backwards... - 12/3/2008 1:57:31 AM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2940
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
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quote:
I would stop and take the time to carefully observe the kids with their mom, making sure that your own biases are not coloring what you are seeing,
That is a very good suggestion...I will do that..and thank you for your other insights.
Tink, thank you for your insights from the "the flip side."
Journeryman, thank you for your empathy.
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RE: When a friend has it backwards... - 12/3/2008 12:19:57 PM
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Karaboo2
Posts: 2736
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
However, kid #1 gets away with everything, and only gets punished like the 10th time...kid #2 gets punished the first time...then also the mom is always telling me how sweet natured kid #1 is and how stubborn kid #2 is..I've had both kids in Sunday School(back when I was still teaching), and frankly, I think its completely the other way around. This person asks me to watch her kids from time to time, and I always make an excuse why I can't do it..and yet, I watch the other kids from church a lot, and I think the mom sometimes feels bad that I'll watch the other kids and not hers..so next time she wonders why I can't watch her kids should I tell her why? Or just not watch her kids? If she never asked me to watch her kids, I would just say it was none of my business, but I know she is starting to wonder why I won't watch her kids. Plus, I feel bad for kid #2. Any suggestions?
P. S. Both kids are of the same gender, so it's not a we treat boys one way and a girls another way thing. I am purposely not saying what gender they are or what ages.
I know you said you are purposely not specifying ages, but here is something to consider as well ... are they approx the same age, or in different "categories" ... toddler, child, pre-teen, teen, etc. Sometimes as kids reach a new age milestone they like to push the limits to see what they may now be able to do, and that could create a difference.
And as for the comment about watching them so #2 gets the attention s/he needs, I'd say go for it. You may also want to see about taking each one separately once per month for some "sibling-free" time ... spend an afternoon doing whatever that particular child enjoys. That way s/he gets to "be their own person" and having that alone time can actually make some of the at-home behaviours improve (at least short-term) because each isn't feeling lost in the mix.
_____________________________
Kara
Tea Drinkers Anonymous
<-- Caleb in a computer box
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RE: When a friend has it backwards... - 12/3/2008 12:31:16 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
quote:
are they approx the same age,
Good question! They are extremely close in age...if one was 11 and one was 2, I would certainly understand the differences.
Mine are 15 mos apart. Just a question - is it the older one you think she's harder on? It's easy (especially for mom or for the main caregiver) to expect the older one to be the "big girl" when a baby comes along, even if she's really just a baby herself. But, at the same time, my dad's problem with my son has always been that he expects him to be as "big" as his sister because they're really the same size - but she's a very precocious (maybe mature or maybe just seemingly more mature) girl. The dynamics are always interesting and different adults respond to the dynamic differently the same way the children respond differently to different adults.
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RE: When a friend has it backwards... - 12/3/2008 12:38:59 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2940
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
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quote:
Just a question - is it the older one you think she's harder on?
Nope, it's the younger one (kid #1 =older child, kid #2 = younger child)
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RE: When a friend has it backwards... - 12/3/2008 12:40:10 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2940
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
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quote:
And as for the comment about watching them so #2 gets the attention s/he needs, I'd say go for it. You may also want to see about taking each one separately once per month for some "sibling-free" time ... spend an afternoon doing whatever that particular child enjoys. That way s/he gets to "be their own person" and having that alone time can actually make some of the at-home behaviours improve (at least short-term) because each isn't feeling lost in the mix.
Great idea, Karaboo!
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RE: When a friend has it backwards... - 12/3/2008 12:48:14 PM
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all4aremine
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Joined: 7/24/2008
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I agree with watching them both and also watching them seperately. I know that my children sometimes feel lost because the two oldest are 13 months apart and the two youngest are 9 months apart. They are all different children for me as opposed to my husband and anyone else. I continously butt heads with my oldest stepdaughter because of her attitude, but others can deal with it and say she is the good one compared to her brother that is ADD. I disagree because I get along very well with her brother, but like I said butt heads with her.
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