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Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/4/2008 1:28:48 PM
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AslansChild
Posts: 82
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We have been attending a church for about 5 years and My son is in his sophmore year in HS. As he has progressed through 6th grade, Jr high and now into HS we have seen his desire to participate dwindle. The reason that we started going to this church is we were looking for a smaller (the church we attended for most of our adult life had a membership of over 5000), community church where our children would be able to mix with kids that went to their schools as well. What has happened over the past year and a half is that there has been no real acceptance of our son by most of the kids in the group. In all other situations he has never had any problems with making friends, and even though there is this situation with the youth group he is a perfectly happy well adjusted kid, playing sports getting good grades and having an active social life. Our concern is that the social life is centered around his school friends which does not consist of any strong Christian friends. THere are also very few youth group activities that he can attend out side of Sunday's because they are scheduled right after school when he is involved with sports and music programs. What I am wondering is would you change churches in support of your children finding a youth group that fits their needs?
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/4/2008 1:40:47 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AslansChild
What I am wondering is would you change churches in support of your children finding a youth group that fits their needs?
Yes, absolutely.
We chose the church we have attended for the last 10 years based on whether our children would be happy/growing in their faith there. If that had ever diminished, we would have changed churches, no hesitation.
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/4/2008 2:54:47 PM
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deedeeowens
Posts: 89
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I think the social issue is secondary to the spiritual one. If he is being fed spiritually in the church where you are, and has demonstrated spiritual growth, I would say don't change churches over a social issue. Social non-acceptance could be a good thing if he is copying the behavior of his non-Christian friends in the Christian social circle. Have you spoke with the youth pastor to try to find out what exactly is going on there?
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/4/2008 3:01:50 PM
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buckifn
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It sounds like it is your son's schedule that is the problem, not the church youth?
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/4/2008 3:31:12 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6162
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From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
It sounds like it is your son's schedule that is the problem, not the church youth?
I disagree. This is what the OP said, and I feel it is significant:
quote:
ORIGINAL: AslansChild
What has happened over the past year and a half is that there has been no real acceptance of our son by most of the kids in the group.
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/4/2008 3:33:47 PM
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AslansChild
Posts: 82
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
It sounds like it is your son's schedule that is the problem, not the church youth?
quote:
It sounds like it is your son's schedule that is the problem, not the church youth?
This sounds similar to what the pastor said to us when we talked with him about the situation. He indicated that maybe bringing the youth group together was my sons calling, I realize that we are at the church to serve as much as be served bu I believe the youth ministry is there to provide a service to the church's future leaders. Ironically there was a meeting when the changes were made and quite a few parent raised concerns that the new schedule would aliaenate any student who participated in after school activities.
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/4/2008 4:17:36 PM
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ladyingrace1979
Posts: 412
Joined: 3/14/2008
From: Fresno CA
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I would definitely be looking into another church. Many churches have great Bible teaching. In middle school and above social relationships are extremely important. Children are moving from having their parents as their dominant social influence to having peers as influence. We all do it as we move from childhood to adulthood. So if he is not connecting with his peers and there seems to be little concern over the issue by leadership, by all means start looking.
Kim Q
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/4/2008 4:23:13 PM
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AslansChild
Posts: 82
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Dee Dee,
It is both a social and spiritual issue, he spent the first 6 years of school Prek through 4th in a private christian school, when we moved we moved him to a public school and we moved churches. We chose this church because of the youth group. Well the year after we joined they changed church leadership and when he went up to Sr. High they changed youth pastors. I was actually involved with the Jr. High ministry but did not move up to Sr. High (I wanted to give him some space). And we did talk with the Youth Pastor when we saw the schedule changes and that my son would have conflicts. The church wanted the youth pastor to be freed up so they set-up voulenteers to run the small groups, service activities and events and that is also when they changed the schedules. The church we visited recently has a more traditional Youth set-up where Sunday morning is teaching and worship and Sunday evening is Youth Group, they also have monthly activities and service projects that are more adaptable to a High school schedule. I believe that as a parent I am responsible for the total upbringing of my children and that I will work within the framework of God's plan to raise them properly, his spiritual growth is #1 but I have seen too many adults who are one demensional in that aspect the person that he is becoming is based on the complete opportunities offered through church, school and family.
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/4/2008 7:08:12 PM
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buckifn
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Yes, but how can a group accept a person that is not there most of the time? Doesn't it take time spent WITH a group to get to know them, form friendship etc?
If there are specific incidents of behavior that has been a problem in how the op's son was treated that is one thing...but unless I missed it I did not hear her saying that.
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/4/2008 7:17:33 PM
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zoebob
Posts: 8859
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From: land of limbo
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Are the other kids deliberately leaving him out and being cruel to him or is he just not quite in the "inner circle" because he's busy with other things and doesn't have as much time with them all?
_____________________________
L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/5/2008 9:26:20 AM
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AslansChild
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Maybe it sounds like I am defending my case too much here. On the one hand it sounds like some of the responses here believe the only activity should be church related and because my son has other interests (sports, school band, and so forth) that we are considering the youth activities secondary and should be held at fault for our descision to raise a well rounded child who through his faith can be a light in other areas of his life. Buckfin, not that it matters but I am the dad, and I don't see malice just no inclusion, there have been about 5 other kids who were in the group in Jr High that have either fallen by the wayside or have moved on to other youth groups. And he is there consistently sunday mornings and when the old shedule was in place (Thursday night small groups) was there up until the change in september.
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/5/2008 10:05:52 AM
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zoebob
Posts: 8859
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From: land of limbo
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I don't think anyone is saying that church should be your only activity. It is a shame that they make youth activities right after church. However, they did. Because of that you need to decide: are you and your son going to make church activities a priority or a more varied schedule a priority.
If you choose to make other activities a priority then you need to realize that he will miss some other activities and may not be as tight or in with the other kids in the church.
If it is important to you that he be tight with the kids at church then maybe you need to find another church that has youth activities he can attend or cut back on the other activities.
I think the only thing we are saying is you can't have it all.
_____________________________
L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/5/2008 11:16:08 AM
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emjayzee
Posts: 592
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quote:
What I am wondering is would you change churches in support of your children finding a youth group that fits their needs?
No, I would not. I think youth groups have been given too much importance in the building of our childrens' faith. Youth groups are nice, but they are not (should not) be the focus. Youth group friends can get you into just as much trouble as school friends (sometimes more). It's good to have friends at church, but it is more important to have a solid foundation that lets you be a Christ-like example in any setting.
_____________________________
unicorns borrowed from Matthew Webber, copyright 2002
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/5/2008 11:57:22 AM
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buckifn
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When your son is there on Sunday mornings do all the youth meet together outside of the regular worship service? I guess what I am trying to see is if there are actual times he is spending with the youth group to form friendships or because he is only there on Sunday mornings is it more a matter of seeing other kids scattered about the sanctuary and no real bonding time?
I think it would be pretty difficult to be friends with someone you see 1 day a week in a limited environment on the same level you are friends with someone with whom you are working side by side with on projects etc many days for hours at a time.
Of course you have a right to decide where your son will spend his time, but maybe the other kids in youth group are looking at where he spends most of his time and thinking he doesn't want to be a part of the church group?
Either way I don't think we form friendships without investing our time and energy in a way that builds opportunities for that to happen...do you?
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/5/2008 12:07:12 PM
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kernsfamily
Posts: 1434
Joined: 4/26/2006
From: Dallas (originally Detroit)
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AslansChild
We have been attending a church for about 5 years and My son is in his sophmore year in HS. As he has progressed through 6th grade, Jr high and now into HS we have seen his desire to participate dwindle. The reason that we started going to this church is we were looking for a smaller (the church we attended for most of our adult life had a membership of over 5000), community church where our children would be able to mix with kids that went to their schools as well. What has happened over the past year and a half is that there has been no real acceptance of our son by most of the kids in the group. In all other situations he has never had any problems with making friends, and even though there is this situation with the youth group he is a perfectly happy well adjusted kid, playing sports getting good grades and having an active social life. Our concern is that the social life is centered around his school friends which does not consist of any strong Christian friends. THere are also very few youth group activities that he can attend out side of Sunday's because they are scheduled right after school when he is involved with sports and music programs. What I am wondering is would you change churches in support of your children finding a youth group that fits their needs?
But, he was "ok" and thriving in the previous church?
I am still scratching my head wondering exactly why you switched churches in the first place....it was THERE that he had made the "connections" and friends for so many years.....
_____________________________
Proud dad of 3 great girls....Erin, Emilie and Elise
Blessed to have all of them in a "totally awesome" public elementary school!
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/5/2008 1:33:39 PM
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AslansChild
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quote:
But, he was "ok" and thriving in the previous church?
The previous church was now over an hour away after we moved so we decided to move to a church in our community. The new schedule started this fall and took the Thursday evening small group meetings and moved them to Sunday and took away the Youth worship time. Most of the youth also sit in the same section in church. My original point was that everywhere my son has been in a new situation he has always been able to make friends (Teams, School, etc.). HE was not able to make a connection in the current youth group at the Sr. High Level. Additionaly as a freshman he did make friends with a few of the upper classmen but they have gone off to College or have left the church as well.
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/5/2008 1:35:52 PM
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AslansChild
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In one aspect I believe that the Youth group culture is sometimes no better than any other social group, but I would hope that the base of people in the group share the goal of pursuing Christ.
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/5/2008 1:48:32 PM
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GregandJenny
Posts: 676
Joined: 2/16/2006
From: Near Seattle Washington
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quote:
. My original point was that everywhere my son has been in a new situation he has always been able to make friends (Teams, School, etc.). HE was not able to make a connection in the current youth group at the Sr. High Level.
It seems he is not having time to make friends. It seems that his schedule is such that it is not really possible at this time.
G
_____________________________
It does not have to be well with my circumstance to be well with my soul!
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/5/2008 2:02:05 PM
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AslansChild
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I think this has strayed from my original intent. This is not about my son's ability to make friends, it is whether folks would take a dysnfunctional youth group as a reason to change churches.
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/5/2008 2:25:01 PM
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myka
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quote:
This is not about my son's ability to make friends, it is whether folks would take a dysnfunctional youth group as a reason to change churches.
The youth group is dysfunctional? How?
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/5/2008 2:48:44 PM
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kohls356
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AslansChild
I think this has strayed from my original intent. This is not about my son's ability to make friends, it is whether folks would take a dysnfunctional youth group as a reason to change churches.
We did leave a church because of the youth group. My oldest and youngest though never connected with the new youth group but my middle daughter has done fine. I think this is a hard age for kids to make a transition. What we found with the new youth group is that most of the kids had been together from the nursery on up and really wasn't interested in adding another person to their "circle of friends".
It is hard to become close and involved when you aren't able to be there for the activities. In our old church, church came before anything else. Once we left we did realize that there are activities outside of church that is ok to be involved in and I have no problem with my kids doing other activities instead of the youth group.
I do agree with you too that the youth group culture is no better really than any other social group. They all have their little cliques of friends that hang out together at functions. I was naive to think that kids would just be accepted because we were at church.
The youth group may be functioning fine for some people but if it isn't functioning for your family then I see no problem with finding another church where it works better for your family.
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/5/2008 3:08:37 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1863
Joined: 5/23/2006
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quote:
In all other situations he has never had any problems with making friends, and even though there is this situation with the youth group he is a perfectly happy well adjusted kid, playing sports getting good grades and having an active social life. Our concern is that the social life is centered around his school friends which does not consist of any strong Christian friends. THere are also very few youth group activities that he can attend out side of Sunday's because they are scheduled right after school when he is involved with sports and music programs. What I am wondering is would you change churches in support of your children finding a youth group that fits their needs?
You said in the above that your son is "perfectly happy"..so I would say the problem is not the kids at church, but you are not satisfied with the kids your son is perfectly happy to be with instead of the kids at church.
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/5/2008 4:47:27 PM
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GregandJenny
Posts: 676
Joined: 2/16/2006
From: Near Seattle Washington
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quote:
I think this has strayed from my original intent. This is not about my son's ability to make friends, it is whether folks would take a dysnfunctional youth group as a reason to change churches.
I am confused. but that's nothing new LOL. Anyways to tell if something is dysfunctional you really have to know it's function, so what is the youth groups function in your sons life? And then what is a students function in the Youth group? Is the YG meeting the function you want it to? Is your son meeting the function the YG sees he should meet.
G
_____________________________
It does not have to be well with my circumstance to be well with my soul!
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/8/2008 9:52:15 AM
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AslansChild
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Instead of quoting each post individually I will offer my thoughts since my last post as well as an update from the weekend. First the weekend. I had an opportunity to see both churches, our current and the one we are visiting in action in the community. THe current church offered it's building for a community event and the YG was asked to provide facilities support, the second activity was out in the community at a Holiday festival. I was not involved with the first event but the second event only involved two of the kids from YG. THe church we visitied invitied my son to a Youth leadership meeting and to participate in a holiday event as well. In talking with my son he is very happy with the last two weeks at the new church as are we with the teaching from the pulpit.
As for some of the responses, I appreciate everyone's input/insight. I believe the best response is related to the function of the YG as well as the function of the Youth. I believe that the YG functions as an outreach of the church, where all of the YG members (church members) are to be fed by the leadership as well as being given opportunties to lead with their gifts. Each member having an equal opportunity to do so. As a child grows and shows growth they should also be offered opportunities to lead when appropriate.
As far as the lack of participation due to schedule conflicts, my point was that the conflicts did not show up until the format change this fall, my son had a year where he participated heavily in 90% of the activities. Another petty reason that we feel that there are special rules for special people is that there is a specific ministry that my son showed interest in, an outreach, when asked if he could participate this year (it is for 9th graders and he is in 10th) we were told it would not be appropriate. LAter we found out that the leadership had allowed other 10th graders to go. After realizing the mixed message we were told that they made a late decision and missed calling us.
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RE: Youth Group/Changing Churches - 12/10/2008 11:19:40 PM
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AslansChild
Posts: 82
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I thought I would provide an update. After two weeks the new Youth group has had a positive effect on my son. Both Sunday Morning and Sunday evening events have been great, the church service in general is really good as well.
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