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how to regain love - 11/12/2008 3:09:29 PM
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momma07
Posts: 47
Joined: 8/15/2005
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I am struggling with something....I feel like I have lost the love I once had for my spouse. We have had a tumuluous past. While we have moved past a lot of the issues we once had, abuse and lying, I still feel hurt and angry. I am a little resentful because I never had to question the love I had for my husband but because of things that have happened in our relationship little by little, with each lie or episode of abuse it has chipped away at the love I once felt. He says he knows I don't feel the same and he is to blame. He says I used to be sweet and loving, now not so much and he feels bad for that. I just don't know where to begin to try to regain what I felt. To make matters worse we are expecting another little one. My hormones have me more on edge and more emotional. I am just angry and hurt because something I was sure of...my love for him I don't feel anymore, the things that have transpired between us have wounded my soul and my love for him. I have told him this, and sometimes his reaction is, "then why are you still with me?" Hello? We made vows...we have a child and another one on the way....I am just at a loss for what to do.
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RE: how to regain love - 11/12/2008 3:26:12 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2064
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First, given your hormonal state right now, cut yourself some slack. Realize you're probably not being rational about any of this. Don't let yourself start to feel guilty about what you do or don't feel - that'll just compound the problems.
I'm married to a fantastic man who recently did something very stupid. God spoke to me immediately and told me to forgive (I mean above and beyond, turn the other cheek, God-kind of forgiveness) and then gave me the grace to do it. By being obedient in that, I was able to keep any bitterness or anger from taking hold. If you're holding anything like that repent and apologize (to God and to him) and then ask God to give you the grace to release you and your dh both from it.
Then choose every day, every moment of every day when necessary, to focus on your beautiful family and the wonderful things about the man you're married to.
Philippians 4: 4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Give yourself some slack for hormones but don't indulge negative thoughts, fears, or resentment either. It's tremendous how easy it is to love someone and to see them the way God sees them when you're focused on Him instead of on that person or on yourself.
You can choose to manage and direct your feelings and not be subject to them.
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RE: how to regain love - 11/12/2008 4:20:35 PM
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3tulips
Posts: 324
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From: sandy shore
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As I was reading your post I also thought of that verse from Phillipians 4:8. You need, especially because of your hormones, to dwell on the good. One little thing each day. He makes money and brings home his paycheck. He gave me a big hug today. He is a good dad. And pray for him each day. Pray for your heart to soften toward him. Tell him you appreciate him.
_____________________________
I opened up the mouth of love and found the wisdom tooth. Larry Norman 1947 - 2008
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RE: how to regain love - 11/13/2008 11:26:08 AM
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deedeeowens
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Joined: 6/10/2008
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I have been married for 31 years and I can completely relate to what you're feeling. My husband has done some things that I just couldn't let go of, mainly because he's a repeat offender. I went on for years feeling the way that you do. Just recently I realized that I was reflecting a negative attitude toward him that was affecting everyone. I didn't even realize I was doing it, probably because I'd felt that way for so long. It wasn't until one of our adult children became hateful toward both of us that I realized that I needed to be kind and show forgiveness toward my husband out of obedience to Christ, regardless of the history of behavior. Since then I have seen an unusual peace come over my home for my husband and I and the children that still live with us. I understand what the others are saying about your hormones too. I went through 5 pregnancy's with my husband, and emotions went up and down. But the root of the solution lies in Christ's love. He can give you what you need to stabilize your relationship. Pray for your heart to be made right, and be as kind to your husband as you would be to any other believer that was in need. You are welcome to contact me with a personal message if you want to. Your story really hit home for me and I'd like to help you if I can.
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RE: how to regain love - 11/13/2008 11:58:22 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 2603
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quote:
I am just at a loss for what to do.
Do the right thing. Regardless of your feelings, *be* loving and kind. If there are problems that need to be dealt with, deal with them, but do it lovingly and respectfully. 3tulips had good advice--make dwelling on the good (and doing good) your habit, instead of wallowing in the anger and hurt of past mistakes. I don't know your husband but I can tell you one good thing right away, which you yourself revealed--he acknowledged that he was wrong and to blame. That's true humility, and it's very uncommon in bad people. 
There is no point in citing your vows for staying together if you are going to spend the rest of your marriage being miserable and unkind and unforgiving. That too is a violation of your vows (in which you promised to love, honor, and cherish your man). You can't always choose your feelings, especially when your hormones are whacked out from pregnancy. But you can choose how your thought life will go, and how you behave towards your husband. You can choose to be genuinely sweet and kind. I hope you will, for your sake as well as his. Being miserable and angry is a no-fun place to be.
< Message edited by 3cappuccinosmom -- 11/14/2008 8:58:18 AM >
_____________________________
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Shameless Self Promotion
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RE: how to regain love - 11/13/2008 12:25:56 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2064
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deedeeowens
Pray for your heart to be made right, and be as kind to your husband as you would be to any other believer that was in need.
This is what it boils down to. We're only responsible for our attitude and how we act, not for what another person does. IMO, the answer for almost any marital problem is to focus on what God has called YOU (dh or dw) to be and to do and let Him work on the spouse.
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RE: how to regain love - 11/13/2008 1:47:21 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
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From: upstate NY
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i just wanted to let you know it is possible to regain feelings of romantic love when your spouse learns how to meet your emptional needs and overcome love busters such as selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, and angry outbursts ... it takes time but it is definately possible ... i'll be praying for your family ...
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Photoblogging My Life
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RE: how to regain love - 11/13/2008 5:15:40 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2064
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quote:
ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil
i just wanted to let you know it is possible to regain feelings of romantic love when your spouse learns how to meet your emptional needs and overcome love busters such as selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, and angry outbursts ... it takes time but it is definately possible ... i'll be praying for your family ...
I hope our answers above didn't make it sound like it's not possible. It's absolutely possible! Praise the Lord!
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RE: how to regain love - 11/14/2008 9:54:32 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4478
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From: upstate NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
I hope our answers above didn't make it sound like it's not possible. It's absolutely possible! Praise the Lord!
nope, i hear you ... i wasn't posting any specific ideas/steps to take yet, wanted to see what others said ... but wanted to post some general encouragement ...
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Photoblogging My Life
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RE: how to regain love - 11/14/2008 6:15:02 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 8075
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
First, given your hormonal state right now, cut yourself some slack. Realize you're probably not being rational about any of this. Don't let yourself start to feel guilty about what you do or don't feel - that'll just compound the problems.
What!? This is a pack of lies. Hormones are making her irrational? What part of her op did you find irrational? She's been abused and having trouble feeling affectionate, but her feelings are due to hormones! Her feelings are due to being abused and used, not due to hormones. Of course our hormones can impact us, but to say that she is irration is completely out of line.
Perhaps you held all the anger and resentment in because you were afraid to deal with them, but now you have more safety. It would be a good idea to see a counselor. You should take your hurt and anger to the Lord and forgive your husband. You will have to take specific issues to the Lord, as they come to mind, until you have overcome them. Now when something happens that is wrong, address it and deal with it immediately. The scripture tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger, because we are to deal with it right away, not let it fester into something worse. Your anger has festered and now you have to deal with it, as in do something about it. Don't just let it sit.
Have you talked through these issues with your husband? It may be good to sit down and have him apologize, then verbally say, "You did such and such to hurt me. I forgive you."
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: how to regain love - 11/14/2008 7:31:44 PM
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MisterTR
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Joined: 5/23/2008
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Hmm. From my perspective, the comments about hormones were not putting anyone down as irrational. That didn't seem to be the intent. On the other hand, the statements framing previous comments as a "pack of lies" and "completely out of line" do seem to be attacking and putting down another person.
Might be good to refocus on the issue.
Everyone has had some good comments so far. Forgiveness is always a tough issue, but especially so if there is abuse. Seems like counseling would be needed to ensure a safe environment for forgiveness and reconciliation.
_____________________________
"And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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RE: how to regain love - 11/14/2008 7:33:51 PM
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MisterTR
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Oh, and I agree that there is always hope that the feelings of love will return to a marriage as long as both are willing to work at it.
_____________________________
"And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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RE: how to regain love - 11/14/2008 7:48:15 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2064
Joined: 3/24/2008
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I've learned recently that what pop (even Christian) psychology and conventional wisdom have to say are not necessarily (are not usually) what the Bible has to say. I didn't read anything about the OP being abused now...I read the whole thing as a couple in recovery - which is what God wants if at all possible. If he's trying as well, there's no reason not to believe for this to be put back together and I don't believe for a minute that God intends them to live the rest of their lives bitter, afraid, or just getting by without any intimacy or true feelings for each other. He can and will restore that if they let Him! The danger is in getting wrapped up in what the world (or even books on Christian bookstore shelves) tells people they should feel or do. God doesn't have a twelve-step plan for forgiveness, He just says to do it.
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RE: how to regain love - 11/14/2008 11:16:13 PM
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hnt
Posts: 541
Joined: 4/11/2005
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quote:
I didn't read anything about the OP being abused now...I read the whole thing as a couple in recovery - which is what God wants if at all possible. If he's trying as well, there's no reason not to believe for this to be put back together and I don't believe for a minute that God intends them to live the rest of their lives bitter, afraid, or just getting by without any intimacy or true feelings for each other.
That may be true, but God does allow people to live with the consquences of their actions. SOme of the consquences is the struggle she deals with.
He may accept his consquences, but he needs to back off the, "Then why don't you leave me" junk. He can't expect the trust to be returned immediately. THat he has to earn that, and his comment doesn't sound like he humbling accepts that. That certainly doesn't help the trust part.
Don't be to quick for people to instantly trust and the rest when they can't handle the humbling of their circumstancs of their actions. People that accept that would understand the feelings, and work towards making them change their mind. lol not rely on people telling them, 'give him a break will ya!" to work instead!
_____________________________
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Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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